Chicks with Dicks

It’s one thing being busted by the filth for getting a suckjob off a street-walker in Sainsburys’ car-park, but it’s a whole different kettle of fish being pinched with prozzies who are actually men. We’ve all been there, and you just have to laugh it off, but alas, if you’re in the public eye, that’s not really an option. Spare a thought then for Brazilian megastar Ronaldo, who was this week caught up in a sex tornado with three cross-dressers in his home town. Having dropped off his girlfriend at her house in Rio de Janeiro on Monday night, the injured super-striker did what any man does when his bird is surfing the crimson wave and picked up a few prostitutes. Just the three mind, which is unusually restrained for players of his name, so presumably the big guy was feeling a bit tired.

However, when they all booked into a really upmarket motel in Rio’s slum district, the AC Milan forward had a bit of a Crying Game moment when they flashed him their meat and two (six?) veg. Now according to local police reports, he alleges that the trannies then tried to extort money from him, to stop them from revealing what happened to the press. Rio police superintendent Carlos Augusto Nogueira said Ronaldo “reported that Andreia Albertine had taken his car documents and demanded $30,000” for their safe return, along with the group’s silence. Nogueira added that “Ronaldo admits the facts. He said he just wanted to amuse himself, that's not a crime. To pay to have sexual relations isn't illegal,” concluding that, “there's a strong chance that Ronaldo has been the victim of extortion.” Brilliantly, under Brazilian law, being a pimp on the streets or running a brothel are both illegal, but the actual act of prostitution itself is not, so Nogueira finished by saying that, at worst, Ronaldo was being “immoral.”

On the other hand though one of the prostitutes, Ms/Mr Albertine, who you definitely wouldn’t guess was born a man, was quoted in the Brazilian press yesterday as saying that Ronaldo had threatened to hit her/him when he discovered that he was a victim of false advertising. The merry band have also cooked up a bit of a drug scandal too, claiming that Ronaldo was both on drugs, and also trying to score more drugs off them. In a statement released today Big Ron denied ever using narcotics of any kind, and further reiterated that he was a victim of extortion. Earlier in the year, he was also a victim of a car-jacking in Rio, when strangely his bright red Ferrari attracted some attention from the local hoodlums. He was robbed at a traffic light, but upon realising who he was, the pint-sized gangsters apologised and returned his phone, but still sped off in the hot wheels.

Moral of the story is that Brazil can be a bit dicey, even if you’re a national hero; keep your hand on your wallet at all times, and always check your whore has the right gear downstairs before paying her.